Macbeth

Macbeth plays, in short, like the political history of some African republic. It’s the actual true-to-life story of the assassination of Duncan II by his generalissimo Macbeth.

This is Patrick Stewart playing a modern version of Macbeth, but though it was too awesome to not put up here.

The story starts off with these 3 witches all huddling around this cauldron, which they’ve probably just dumped a small infant into, waiting for Macbeth. Macbeth and his bff Banquo ride up, and are like, “Dude, here’s some witches”. Now, personally, every play and movie of Macbeth portrays the witches as something that Dr. Van Helsing and any other sci-fi fanatic worth his salt would kill on sight. 

Srsly? Do they look like they know what they're talking about?

But I guess people in Scotland were pretty down with witches back in the day, and so Macbeth and Banquo stop to palaver with these hags. They prophesy three things:

1)      Macbeth will became Thane of Cawdor

2)      Macbeth will become King of Scotland

3)      Banquo will “get kings, though thou be none”

Macbeth and Banquo enjoy a good laugh and Banquo, like any sensible person, doesn’t think any more of it. Then the pair of them arrive at the castle where the king is holding his court, and Good King Duncan declares Macbeth Thane of Cawdor. At this, Macbeth goes all crazy-eyes on us, a condition he will suffer for the duration of the play.

He writes to his wife and tells her of all that’s going on at his end of the line. And instead of writing her hubby and telling him, “Just coincidence, dear, congrats on your promotion and please stay away from witches,” SHE goes all crazy-eyes on us, telling her husband that he has to kill Duncan, and tells him to invite Duncan to their castle, where they will murder him.

Btw, dictators of the world, take note: When the guy who is in charge of your army invites you over to his castle for tea and crumpets, DON’T accept. Seriously.

But Duncan is a pretty cool, calm, collected guy whom I like to imagine as smoking weed, surrounded by concubines and dudes in armor, flashing the peace sign at everybody like, “It’s cool man, I’d love to come hang out at your crib…”

Take a guess what happens. Yep, Bethy and his crazy wife murder this old dude while he sleeps and then blames it on the chamberlains (cause EVERYBODY knows the butler always does it). Duncan’s two sons, Malcolm and Donaldbain, get wise and flee the country.   

Macbeth about to kill Duncan with his Force Lightning.

Macbeth then gathers the nobles of Scotland together and basically gives them the speech Scar gives at that scene of the Lion King (except without the uber-cool Disney-villain musical number). But now that Macbeth has the throne, he remembers that the witches prophesied that Banquo’s KIDS will be king. So the obvious next step is to take a page from World Dictatorship 101:

“Rule #5: Upon seizing power, you must murder everybody around you who was EVER your friend. You are the dictator now, and friends are overrated. While you’re at it, murder their kids too.

-         World Dictatorship 101

Banquo gets shanked in the back by a bunch of Macbeth’s goonies, but like a good father, holds the guys to him even while they’re stabbing him to allow his son to escape.

O, treachery! Fly, good Fleance, fly, fly, fly!
Thou mayst revenge. O slave!

I think that’s as good a way to go as any, allowing your son to escape and telling him to avenge you…

Then, another nobleman, named MacDuff, gets all upset and, “Dude, killing the king is one thing, but killing Banquo too? That’s uncool… I’m out of here dudes…” Macbeth then swiftly layeth the Almighty Smackdown on him, sending soldiers to his castle to kill MacDuff. They kill his wife and kids, but MacDuff escapes.

Honestly, Macbeth was really bad at choosing his assassins. But I digress.

Macbeth, having now fulfilled the prophesy of the witches, decides they kinda are on a roll, and wants to get as much out of them as possible. He goes back to the witches and asks what they can see of his future now. They tell him two things:

Be bloody, bold, and resolute; laugh to scorn
The power of man, for none of woman born
Shall harm Macbeth…

Macbeth shall never vanquish'd be until
Great Birnam wood to high Dunsinane hill
Shall come against him.

So basically, having been told that 1) Nobody born of woman can hurt him, and 2) He cannot be defeated in battle til Birnam Forest comes to Dunsinane, Macbeth is feeling pretty confident. He isn’t even phased when they tell him that Malcolm has invaded Scotland with an army, or even when his wife goes all crazy and kills herself. I mean, dude, that’s a red flag for me, but whatever rocks your boat.

Malcolm is marching through Scotland and suddenly has an epiphany. He has to assault this HUGe Castle, and he’s actually smart enough to figure out, “Hey; these guys are going to shoot at us… we’re gonna need some cover.” He orders his men to cut down the trees of Birnam Wood (which just so happens to be close by) and make giant shields to cover their advance upon Dunsinane Castle, where Macbeth has holed himself up Alamo-style, his nobles and allies abandoning him. Nobody really likes to hang out with the kid that kills the other kids and then takes their toys. Really.

So now Birnam Wood is, technically, advancing to Dunsinane. Macbeth is slightly unnerved at this, but he still sits confident that the whole “born of woman” thing is pretty all-inclusive. Even as the soldiers storm the castle and his men are deserting/defecting left and right, Macbeth is going berserker on these guys, running around and killing everyone in his path.

Why should I play the Roman fool, and die
On mine own sword? whiles I see lives, the gashes
Do better upon them.

This is the oldest illustration of Macbeth I could find, and I think it is probably the most accurate.

Then who should enter but MacDuff, who’s still kinda angry at the whole “Killed my wife and family” thing. Macbeth then laughs.

MACBETH
I bear a charm'ed life which must not yield to one of woman born!

MacDuff doesn’t even flinch or batt an eye.

MACDUFF
Despair thy charm;
And let the angel whom thou still hast served
Tell thee, Macduff was from his mother's womb
Untimely ripp'd.

In other words, C-Section.

Rats. Macbeth's rotten luck strikes again.

 MACBETH

Accursed be that tongue that tells me so,
For it hath cow'd my better part of man!
And be these juggling fiends no more believed,
That palter with us in a double sense;
That keep the word of promise to our ear,
And break it to our hope. I'll not fight with thee.

But MacDuff wasn’t going for the “I call times” rule and called him out. Macbeth then gives the most epic last words of a villain that I’ve ever come across.

...I will try the last. Before my body
I throw my warlike shield. Lay on, Macduff,
And damn'd be him that first cries, 'Hold, enough!'

PWND.

 MacDuff then kills Macbeth, and takes the head to Malcolm. Everybody breathes a sigh of relief that can only come when you’ve killed the homicidal maniac in the room (almost identical with the ones everybody gives at the end of a horror film when they FINALLY KILL the monster/demon/alien/whatever). Then they all decide to go crown Malcolm at Scone...

Then the play ends and nobody mentions anything about Banquo’s kid and whether or not they become kings of Scotland or really anything else about Banquo’s kids. At all. But whatever, I didn’t write the play.